Don't Give Away the End

How the Heck. . .?

2006-08-21T19:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is going to be hard. How do people do it? And I'm single! No kids! Responsible only for myself! I don't see how people go to seminary while they have families. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't have to come home and cook dinner for anyone, or take kids to soccer practice, or help kids with homework, or be attentive to a husband, etc. My goodness. I really admire the ones with families who do it. I admire those who are married without kids who do it, too.

Orientation started today, and I'm very excited about the people here. It feels refreshing after Greek to have some new faces around. I'm so thankful, because I was getting quite worried that I wouldn't have many friends here at all.

And it was exciting to talk about field education, cross-cultural experiences, etc. A little annoying to realize how much more money you're expected to spend on a requirment that must be met this year. . .but the possibilities are exciting. Right now, I'm thinking about either 10 days in Appalachia or 10 days in rural Wisconsin living with logging and farming families. Both of those experiences would give me something new to experience. Not sure what I'll choose yet, and of course the Latin America and Mexico opportunities always appeal to me. Though I've done that before, so I think I should try something new. We'll see.

Dad was here all day yesterday and left today. I was sad when he left--good thing I had to be back at orientation, so I didn't have a chance to sit around by myself and be sad. :(

I'm going to bed. . .I'm exhausted. Goodnight, all.

2006-08-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

My visit to Tennessee was wonderful. Just what I needed. Now I'm back in the SC prepping for classes to start next week. I already miss Trish and Rich, but I'll be back again for Labor Day!

Trish and I found a beautiful lake and sat on a bridge for a while talking. This was one of my favorite moments of the visit. We decided to take pictures of our reflections in the water. Here's me, and--

--here's Trishy!

And here's Richie. . .um. . ."studying." :)

Dad's coming tomorrow night! I'll only get to see him for about a day (sad), but it's better than nothing. Later, friends!

Done and Done

2006-08-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

Tetelestai! Eucharisto! / It is finished! I give thanks!

(I couldn't for the life of me find the actual Greek words for the above--ones I could easily copy and paste, that is--so the pronunciation will have to do.)

I can't believe summer Greek is over. These last few weeks flew by. I'm excited, though. It feels reallllly good to be done. I will miss our Presby friends--Ed and Clark in particular. It felt like the end of a summer at camp. . .saying goodbye to friends with whom you've spent 7 weeks working together on the same thing. Just like when I said goodbye after 7 or 8 weeks at camp four years ago. Except this time, I only said goodbye to a few people rather than 20!

This morning in chapel, we sang a bunch of our favorite hymns. It was glorious. I of course got kinda emotional, since singing with a group of people who 1) know and love hymns just as I do, and 2) can sing beautifully in harmony, is like a slice of heaven on earth. . .a piece of what is to come, I believe.

I'm spending the next couple of days getting some "chores" done that I've neglected the past few weeks. A lot of people here at seminary are going home this week (we have a 10-day break before orientation), and, while I suppose I could hop in the car and drive to Texas, I don't think it'd be worth it to stay only a few days. So it makes me sad to hear people joyfully packing their cars and talking of homecomings. . .

But instead of being sad, I've decided to hop in the car and drive to the other "T" state to visit my Trishy and her Richie! I'm so ready to see them and their new home in Sewanee! It'll be a great way to relax, I think, and we've really missed each other lately. It'll be wonderful to be with a friend who's known me for a long time. She and I are making great friends at our respective new locations, but there's always something about being with people who already really know you. . .

Have a good one, friends!

I Am So Dadgum Southern

2006-08-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

I love sweet tea. And everywhere you go here, when you order tea, it's always sweet tea. It's not like that in TX. But here, oh yes. Sweet tea is the default. Mmmmmm.

Five Sixteen

2006-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

On to other things:

Books for the fall semester, if purchased at the bookstore, will cost roughly $500. This is why I never buy from the bookstore. Sure, I know they need business and I of course want to support the Lutheran bookstore, but c'mon. . .I don't care what shape a book is in--as long as it's readable, I'll use it. So I don't need a brand new book. And I definitely don't need a $50 new book. This is why I use half.com for all of my textbook purchases. I've already ordered half of my books for less than $100. Yessss. The only thing that sucks is paying for shipping, but it's still way cheaper than buying at the bookstore. There are so many books in this world that have been used only once or twice, and these will work perfectly for my purposes here. I think the people at the bookstore get a little peeved when I walk in and begin writing all of the textbook names and authors down on my little list. . .they know what I'm up to. But a consumer has the right to choose where she's going to buy her books, now, doesn't she?

I have a few weeks before the fall semester starts and about a month until I plan to start working (location TBD). I've never worked off-campus while going to school. In college, I was an RA, which was a wonderful job because I never left campus for 'work.' And don't get me wrong--it was definitely work. But fun work. And work that didn't really mess with my schedule all that much. Now I'm sending my resume off for part-time positions in the area, and I'm not sure how working while going to grad school full-time will fly. But I honestly have no choice if I'm going to have any spending money whatsoever. We'll see. . .

All I can say is, I really miss regular paychecks. Life is so different when you have to think carefully about whether or not you can afford to make a run to Wendy's for dinner. . . :)

It's raining and I plan to sit at the dining room table and translate Bible passages all afternoon. And the crazy thing is, this sounds like fun to me! What a nerd. :) I went out last night with some peeps from seminary and had a blast. I'm glad I decided to do that--I'm usually one who prefers quiet nights at home to going out, but I needed to get out last night.

Okay, enough. Have a good evenin', friends!

Listen Up, Boys

2006-08-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have a beautiful, funny, smart, friendly, outgoing, beautiful, flirty, fun, exciting, and (for the third time) beautiful friend who has been on my mind and heart lately in regards to her recent personal life situations. And I'm sure she won't mind me blogging about it. ;) You see, several guys in the past year have flirted with her, told her they liked her, even hinted at starting a relationship with her. But they never follow through. They're too scared to tell her the truth--which is, sadly and for reasons unbeknownst maybe even to them, that they don't want to be in a relationship with her. . .at least, not now. Ouch.

One of my favorite books, He's Just Not That Into You, helped me finally make some sense out of weird male behavior that I had experienced, and also has helped me look past the stupid excuses that most guys make to girls. I have a few things I'd like to share with you guys out there, and please make note of them so you won't break a girl's heart.
(By the way, I know that most of you guys don't mean to hurt girls--you're not intentional about it--but regardless, a girl's emotions often get involved way more than you would ever imagine. . .so even if you don't mean to hurt her, you still probably are doing so. In order to avoid this as best you can, please read on):

* If you have a crush on a girl, it's fine to tell her. It's sweet, really. But know that if you tell her this, she's already beginning to think that something will follow that admission (e.g., a date, the beginning of a relationship). If you don't know for a fact--if you're not 100% sure-- that a relationship with her is what you want, then don't mention anything romantic to her. Just don't. Leave her be. There's someone better for her out there. . .someone who IS 100% sure that he wants to date her and can't wait to do so once you get out of the way.

* If you tell a girl you're going to call her, do it. If you know you're not going to call her, don't tell her you will call her. That way, she can avoid wasting time and tears on you and move on to find the man of her dreams who will call her. . .and better yet, can't wait to talk to her. It's so simple, guys. And yet you still fail to learn this simple rule.

* If you're currently in a relationship in which you're just "passing time until something better comes along," get the hell out of it. Let the girl go so she can find someone better for her. . .someone who would never use her as a substitute until something better comes along. If you're unsure about a girl for a long period of time, then you're probably not into her. Don't wait until you're sure about it--if there's one thought of uncertainty, then you're probably not sure.* Let her be happy with someone who's confident about how he feels for her.

* It pretty much all boils down to this: Cut the crap, guys. It's fun for us to flirt and attract your attention and all. . .but for most of us girls, we always want something more. There's a need deep down inside of us that craves what can only happen in a relationship--connection, consistency, etc. Even if we say that we don't want a relationship, I personally believe that all girls (and guys, too, for that matter) wouldn't pass up the opportunity for one if they found someone whom they really wanted to be with. So unless you really want to be with us, don't play games. Don't send us mixed signals. Don't be flirty, but then tell us that your job is really demanding, thus leaving you no time for a relationship, blah blah blah. You will avoid some uncomfortable talks with girls if you just let them be. Because eventually they're going to ask, "So. . .what's up with us?" and you will hang your head and think, "Crap. What the hell have I gotten myself into?" It can all be avoided if you follow my simple guidelines.

Guys, we really do like flirting with (most of) you and we really don't think that (most of) you are jerks. . .but we do think you could use some help relating to us. I am fully aware that girls are guilty of committing the same atrocities that I warn you not to, so I maintain that I am not "guy-bashing" here. However, since I am a girl, and have had many a conversation with girlfriends about guys (and have experienced my share of lameness from guys), I write from a girls' perspective. Forgive me. :)

Oh, and to my single friends (namely, my dear B): There are amazing guys out there who will stop at nothing to be with you. My skepticism and bitterness from failed dates and relationships in the past has been slowly chipped away by someone who has given me the things that I'd practically given up on. Though I think us girls might always carry some of the pain of broken relationships from our past, I have come to believe that one's faith in love can be renewed. You will be loved. (cue: "She Will be Loved" by Maroon 5 )

Ladies, if you think of anything to add to the "guidelines," feel free to contribute!

Lots of love to ALL my readers, male and female. . .

____
*I don't think a relationship is doomed if one or both parties are unsure about it at some point. In fact, I think it's bound to happen--and maybe even should happen. It's healthy to be critical about what you have versus what you want, etc. But when the nagging feeling of uncertainty lasts longer than it needs to (and only you can be the judge of how long that is for you), then it's time to move on.

"Unless the languages remain, the Gospel must finally perish."

2006-07-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

Two more weeks of Greek left. . .well, of this class, that is. I'll be using my Greek for a long time after this (or at least, that's the plan--whether it actually happens or not will be revealed at a later date). And I'm actually looking forward to our Pauline Studies and Greek Readings courses, etc. because that's where the real interpretation and debate will happen!

The New Testament is full of things that could be disputed. For instance, when we translate from Greek to English the phrase "the love of God," it could mean two things: 1) God's love for us, or 2) our love for God. Well, which is it? When something is stated like, "the love of God will save us," which meaning does it take? I tend to think more of #1 than #2, but perhaps it's a combination of both? Very interesting, and this leads to much theological discussion and even debate among translators. I like Martin Luther's words regarding the importance of learning the original languages of the Bible:

"In proportion then as we value the gospel, let us zealously hold to the languages. For it was not without purpose that God caused his Scriptures to be set down in these two languages alone--the Old Testament in Hebrew, the new in Greek. Now if God did not despise them but chose them above all others for his word, then we too ought to honor them above all the others. . .And let us be sure of this: we will not long preserve the gospel without the languages. The languages are the sheath in which this sword of the Spirit is contained; they are the casket in which this jewel is enshrined; they are the vessel in which this wine is held. . ."
(from "To the Councilmen of all Cities in Germany that they Establish and Maintain Christian Schools")

Cool thoughts. I highly doubt that I would ever study Greek if I were not required to in seminary, but now I'm encouraging all of my friends to take it at some point in life. It opens up the doors to an ancient language written by ancient church fathers--I like to imagine Paul (or another author, depending on which book I'm reading) writing what I'm reading and it just feels cool. And, as many probably know, Paul was one fiery personality, so his writings have an entirely fresh feel when read in Greek. For example, in Philippians 3:8, Paul talks about how he considers everything in his life a loss because he gains Christ. He refers to all other things that do not represent Christ in his life as "rubbish." I learned today (from a friend, not the prof, so maybe I'm mistaken. . .) that the word Paul used that has been translated into English as "rubbish" was actually the Greek word that is pronounced "scuba," which literally means "shit." Strong words! He considers everything shit so that he may gain Christ! Reminds me of Luther, another strong-worded theologian, who once said that we humans are shit covered with snow. Em and I used to playfully argue about that; I love it because it's very true, and it emphasizes grace rather than our worthiness.

Anyway. Tonight should be a somewhat quiet evening, which will be nice. Then tomorrow I'm going to see Robby Rob. :) Can't wait. Hope all is well with you, my friends!

2006-07-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I miss my family. I wish I could go home this weekend, but alas, I am 17 hours away. Or something like that. Suck. This is a familiar feeling. . .I seem to remember feeling lonely like this right after I moved to Austin after college. At least this time I'm in school and have made some friends already, but some days it hits that I don't have anyone to call up and go to dinner with, or shop with, or watch a movie with. And I don't have my sister around anymore to spend an entire Friday evening watching Sex & the City episodes with (which is what I feel like doing tonight).

Everyone who I want to see is too far away right now.

I found a new musician of whom I am a fan. Check out Josh Ritter. Met him at Starbucks and fell in love. . .um, with his music, that is. ;)

Later.

The Guy & The Girl: Adventures at Kure Beach, NC

2006-07-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

Dinner at Jack Mackerel's--a happenin' little islandy/toursity spot. Rob's favorite beach drink is a pina colada (yes, he's a girl), which he had already enjoyed by the time this picture was taken.

We went to the end of Highway 421, where we saw some deer, a lighthouse, and a scuttling crab. We like the word 'scuttle.' It's fun.

You can't tell from this picture, but the waves were vicious! I was knocked down several times (not to mention dragged on my knees, which resulted in some nasty sand scrape-age). Robby, however, had fun riding the waves. He's in the pictured wave somewhere. Can you find him? :)

A fisherman on the pier caught a baby shark!

I decided that, if I ever had a pet pelican, I would call him "Pelly." Rob thought this was silly. But I don't care. This reminds me of when my brother got a parakeet and I wanted to name him "Pecker." I had no idea why my dad was laughing.

Yep, we are pretty cute. :)

And now, back to Greek, back to school. . .bleh. I wish our little "vacay" could've lasted a bit longer, but that's life, I guess. Hope life is good for all of my readers! Lots of love to you.

ABCs and 123s

2006-07-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

Dang, does anyone ever blog anymore? I guess I can't talk, since my posts have become less regularly scheduled. . .and since I don't have time to read blogs anyway, I should shut up. :)

So what's up in the durrrty South with Lorena, you ask? Well, Greek is a fascinating yet very difficult language to learn. I made an A on my first test, though! I've made some great friends already and looking forward to meeting more who join us in August. I'm tired and looking forward to resting a lot this weekend. I seriously spend 8+ hours each weekday either studying or in class. . .I eat, sleep, and breathe Greek. I didn't realize that my brain could work like this; at the end of 7 weeks, I should be fairly competent at reading and translating an ancient language. Every night, I'm cramming more vocab in my head, and I'm amazed that it's all still in there (for the most part). Very interesting.

I saw some Austin folks this week--a family from SOTH was in town and I spent time with them and their extended family. Tons of cousins, aunts, and uncles. . .I felt like part of the family, and it was really sweet.

I found a book at Cokesbury that intrigued me, so I ordered it online and started reading it today. It's called If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person. Good timing, considering the fact that Rob and I were discussing something along these lines this past week. For the most part, he and I have very similar theological opinions and ideas. . .but the whole idea of this book causes a lot of discussion between us. I find that I agree more and more with the idea that God will save every person, which some Christians might say is 'radical.' But I don't care--I think that's what God is: radical. If grace is really true, then what does that mean? How will that change our lives? How will that change the world? I'm curious to see how this book (written by two well-known Quaker ministers) will affect/encourage my thoughts. . .

I lead chapel next week for the first time. . .and of course I'm assigned to the very first day! At least I have a partner, and at least my classmates aren't too intimidating. . . :) Of course, I wouldn't be in seminary if I weren't comfortable leading worship. But oftentimes, there hasn't been an accompanist, which means I'd have to lead the hymns a-capella. . .we'll see how it goes!

Later, friends.

So Long

2006-06-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

Yay! I have the internet in my apartment! I am a happy camper. . .or happy seminarian. . .whatever.

I just dropped Em off at the Charlotte airport and was fighting back tears as I hugged her goodbye. What a sap, I know. We just had a blast this week, and I have no more visitors from Texas for a while. I won't see Emily til Christmas, which is really weird. We've never gone that long without seeing each other, I don't think. It's kinda like she symbolizes a lot of what home means to me. Em's always been there for me, and her visits have always been easier and a lot more frequent than they will be now. . .

But I'm not going to wallow in my sorrows because it's not like we don't have the phone and e-mail. I'm so thankful for her friendship--since 6th grade! This girl is a friend for life. We've stuck by each other through junior high, high school and college. . .we've suffered thru horrible relationships and celebrated the wonderful ones. . .we've grown up, but not apart. And the best part is, we laugh pretty much all the time. I love mi mejor amiga!

I noticed that I have a "Texas ego" that shows itself when I have people visiting from Texas. Em and I were laughing yesterday because we went to the state capital building here and I kept talking about the Texas Capital and how it's so much bigger and better. What a Texas nerd! I guess you don't realize how much Texas pride you have until you leave.

I've decided that Charleston is definitely a place I will be taking friends who come visit. It's way cooler than Columbia, and it's only an hour and a half away! Em and I went there for a day, and it's got the beach plus a bunch of historical stuff. Very cool.

I start Greek on Monday. For now, I'm going to take a nap and finish decorating my apartment. I don't know how regular my posts will be from now on, but I'm going to try to keep this up. It's been too fun to let go, even if no one reads it. . .

Love!

I Have Arrived

2006-06-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

No internet in the apartment yet, but soon. I've been finding my way to the necessary locations (i.e., Starbucks) and spending the night on my air mattress in the middle of the living room. :) Moving--ain't nothin' like it.

I spent four lovely days with Rob, which definitely was a nice distraction from my boring, empty apartment. It's also not as fun when you don't know anyone on campus. In a few weeks, I think things will be a lot different. I just don't know anyone yet. And I don't have the internet yet. I should be okay without the internet, I really should. But what can I say? I'm not. :)

Hope all is well everywhere else. Stay cool.

It's the Little Things. . .

2006-06-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

I went to see Becky yesterday, who is up here in Arlington with some of her middle school kids. She had told them I was coming, so when I walked into the hotel pool area, they all yelled, "HI LAUREN!!" I immediately thought, "This is the kind of stuff I'm going to miss." It'll be a long time before I hear kids yell my name in that we're-excited-you're-here kinda way. And even when I do again, it won't be quite the same as when the SOTH kids yelled it. I was loved just because I'm me. There aren't a lot of relationships here on earth that are that genuine.

It's the little things. Yesterday, I told my dad that "my kids" are going to camp next week. . .then I stopped and realized that they're going with Mark, not me. They're not "my kids" anymore. Youth ministers always refer to the kids at church as their kids. And I can't anymore. It might sound ridiculous to be sad about, but that realization made me pretty depressed for a bit.

It still feels like I'll be headed back to work next week. It doesn't feel like it's over. But it is. And I'm excited about what lies ahead. But I have a feeling that little things will pop up every now and then that will remind me why it was so hard to say goodbye.

And of course, leaving Becky last night was hard, too. I will miss laying around and chatting about all sorts of things. . .she's precious to me. It still doesn't feel like we won't have that time anymore. I will not see her until sometime this fall. That is too weird.

Sorry if my blog feels sad and depressing lately. But life is in transition right now and I'm reflecting on it.

I'm gonna go take a shower and spend some time reading by the pool! Time to get out of the house and relax. . .

Heavy

2006-06-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I usually make fun when other people say that kind of stuff, because really--was it actually, out of all the days of your life, one of the hardest?

Yes, it was. Saying goodbye to another family, a place I've called home. . .it's rough stuff.

But a new part of life awaits me. . .so here goes!

Oh, I cut my first record this weekend. hee hee--I just like to talk like a rockstar. I'm really not. But check out my new MySpace music page if you're interested!

Love to all.

Cloudy Day

2006-05-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are moments when everything hits you and you wonder where exactly you are going and WHY?

I had one of those moments last night and I'm still sitting in it. My eyes are puffy from crying and every once in a while, they get watery all over again. Miscommunication with movers, reconciling with the fact that I will be living at or below the poverty line for the next four years (yeah, it hadn't really hit me yet until now), thinking of all that I'm leaving behind, sitting across from longtime friends over dinner and soaking in the memories of each friend and each conversation. . .everything is hitting me at once and I feel like I'm sinking. . .

But I will follow where God leads because that's all I can do. I still know that this is right, but just because it's right doesn't mean it will be easy. In fact, because it's right it may be super hard at times. But if a seminarian can't trust that God provides, then who can? I have my health, my family, and my friends by my side. All in all, life is good and just where it needs to be. In a month, I'll be immersed in a new life. I just have to trudge through all the ugliness in between then and now. . .

I'll get there.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
~Sobieski and Meehan

2006-05-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Westlake grads and Lauren (Guess which one is me!)

I led the benediction at baccalaureate for WHS, and I thought of how much has happened in my life since my own high school graduation. Six years now. More than halfway to my 10-year reunion. When I sat amongst my fellow Arlington High School grads in May 2000 (go Colts!), I know I had different plans for my life than what actually has happened. I was going to be an orthodontist! I was going to meet the man of my dreams in college and marry him shortly thereafter! I was never going to work in the church!

Ha.

And what's funny is that, six years from now, I'll be saying the same things. I like how life is a constant surprise. Makes it more interesting, wouldn't you agree?

*******

I'm starting to enter the "last lunch/supper" stage of my time here. Today I'm having lunch with Rebecca, who has been an extremely influential "second mother" for me here in Austin. No doubt tears will be shed. My goodbye party is this Saturday, and over 50 people are attending. I'm receiving e-mails and phone calls with the sweetest messages, such as this one:

At the last confirmation class I am remembering one of the crazy 8th grade boys asking if they could call the new youth leader "Lauren." I really think there was more to that than trying to be funny. . .a compliment in their 8th grade way. I second it.

This is not the last time I will say goodbye to a place that has meant a lot to me; but since it's the first, I think it will always have its own significance. . .

Peace, my friends!

Austin, I Will Miss You

2006-05-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

This is what I see every day when I turn onto my street:

Seemingly uninteresting, right?

There's a school bus in front of a house. No big deal.

Except I tend to think it's a bit weird. Here's why. This bus isn't dropping off children. It isn't picking up children. It remains parked outside of a house every day. Sometimes it's gone. But it always re-appears.

And I've been dying to know who drives it, and, even more so, WHY?

So Janie comes by one night last week to say goodbye to Leah. And as we're all three standing outside my house. . .we hear a sound. . .the sound of a school bus turning onto the street. And I was excited because finally, finally, we might get a glimpse of the mystery person who obviously drives a school bus (a short bus, at that!) as a personal vehicle.

And it stopped in front of the house, the side doors opened, and a nerdy-looking guy stepped off and walked to his house. Seriously, this guy looked to be about 17 or 18. He knocked on the garage door, it opened, and he ducked inside. I noticed today as I was photographing this peculiarity on our street that he must live in the garage because there's an A/C unit in a side window. Interesting.

I wonder how he got that bus? I wonder if he thinks it's cool? I wonder. . .just. . .WHY?

Cracks me up.

Life's a Beach!

2006-05-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful weekend in Port Aransas! Relaxing on the beach is one my absolute favorite things. I could spend all day out there. *sigh* Here are some pics from our short-yet-fabulous trip:

Pretty sunset in Corpus

Fun in the car with Em! Some things I love about this picture: 1) I'm totally driving on the highway, 2) If you look closely, you can see clear down my throat, 3) The picture was intended to be taken of Emily with me in the background, but as you can see, it turned out to be mostly me. Cracks us up.

This is our mermaid. Her name is Shelly. When we went back down to the beach later that night, she was pretty much destroyed--most likely, we guessed, by parents of small children. We have absolutely no idea why they would destroy her. . .do you? Trishy and me

I spent some time chasing seagulls on the shore. This is me rejoicing in my victory over the 'gulls.

Me and Em

Rich and Trish

Court and I get the giggles.

Finding My Place

2006-05-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow afternoon marks the beginning of a trip I have been looking forward to for what seems like forever: Port A, baby! My college buds and I have been spending weekends at Court's condo there for several years now. . .and Lauren is leaving TX, which means we absolutely must head to the beach to, um, celebrate? No. How 'bout send me out with a bang? Yeah.

I'm sad. I feel like I've been on the verge of tears for a week now. I approach everything with a "this is the last time I'll do this" type of attitude, which I've done since I was little and can be quite annoying. But I wouldn't want it any other way, because that's just how I deal with things. Today I thought about all the little things we as youth ministers "pick up" about our kids--what ticks them off, what they really mean to say when they can't get it out right, how to work with them in their many different moods. . .I know that the new youth minister (who hasn't been officially picked yet) will learn all of these things. I did. And it takes time. But dang, it's hard to let go. Much harder than I had expected. I'm finding that I'm not excited about someone new coming in. I thought I'd be fine with it, would want to spend time with him/her, would want to help the kids adjust. . .but no, I'm not fine with it. I'm sad. I need to grieve. And I think that means that maybe I need a clean break rather than to be active in the transition process.

And yet, even as I'm sad, I'm also so excited. It's the weirdest mix of feelings right now. I can't wait to move, to meet new friends, to have a new place and relax before Greek (!) starts, to spend time with Rob. . .I'm so ready for all of that. It's definitely an extra incentive that I have a special person out there who's waiting for me! :)

Okay, off to church yet again! Have a good weekend. I'll be enjoying some drinks on the beach with some of my bestest friends. Yesss.

Far away. . .I feel your beating heart.
I'll try to find my place with you.
~The Afters

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

2006-05-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

I called one of our church families last night to see if their kids could help with Youth Sunday, and I ended up talking with one of my kids for a bit. I haven't seen this girl in a while, and I've missed talking with her. It was only a 10-minute conversation, but when I got off the phone, I thought, "Wow. If I had spent the last two years calling my kids, just one youth per night, just to see how their week was going, etc. . ." Then my head spun into all these "coulda, woulda, shoulda" thoughts. Of course, since I'm leaving, I'm realizing all these things I coulda done. Even shoulda done. And I know I shouldn't beat myself up, because in actuality, calling each of the youth woulda worn me out. But it was nice to chat with one of them last night and hear how things are going with her.

I think the thing that surprised me was that she was excited to talk to me. I heard her brother say, "Lauren's on the phone" and she grabbed it and said, "Hey Lauren!!" It made me smile because I guess I thought they'd be annoyed that their youth minister was calling, thinking, "What is she going to ask me to do?" or something. I don't know. But to hear her saying she missed me and was sad I was leaving. . .that was cool.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda was the title of a Sex & the City episode. I wonder how often I think I coulda, woulda, shoulda done something differently. . .

I don't necessarily regret things from my past. They happened. So be it. But I still like to process my past, just to avoid repetitive mistakes or whatever. If I had to come up with 5 Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas, they'd be (in no particular order):

1) I woulda kept dancing instead of giving it up for cheerleading and volleyball (stints that lasted one year each in junior high). Had I known that I wouldn't get near as much satisfaction out of those two sports as I had from dance, then who knows. . .
2) I shoulda heeded friends' and family's advice regarding certain relationships in my past. It woulda saved me from a lot of heartbreak and needless holding on. . .
3) I shoulda studied abroad while in college. I was an RA, and in order to protect my job, I really couldn't leave the country for a semester. However, I'm almost positive it coulda worked out had I tried hard enough. Of course, I can travel for the rest of my life, but there's something about traveling in college that's extra fun, I think. . .
4) I shouldn'ta made myself come up with 5 of these because I can't think of any more!

Which leads me back to a previous statement: I don't regret much at all about my life. For example, in reference to #2, I know I needed to experience heartbreak in order to grow. Maybe some people don't need that experience, but I did. Maybe I still do, who knows. The point is, even the things I listed aren't really huge regrets. I enjoyed cheerleading and volleyball. They each (especially cheerleading) taught me a lot about myself and about others. I needed that experience.

So, the whole Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda thing is really not that important, huh? But in the interest of discussion, any thoughts?

2006-05-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm eating Alphabet Spaghettios in my office right now. Sometimes there just ain't nothin' better.

Leah and I paid $65 to have someone mow and edge our lawn this weekend. And there's something so nice about having it done. I even told the guy, "I honestly will pay you practically anything to get this lawn done." I know that's pretty stupid, but if you haven't seen our lawn, it was horrible. We'd become the crappy tenants on the street who never take care of their house. I'd decided that the lawn was just never going to get done by us, so lo and behold, we received a business card on our doorstep yesterday and gave the man a call. And now I can't stop looking out the window at our beautiful front and back yards. I actually want to go play outside on the grass now. Even the birds like it. They're all hopping around and enjoying the cut grass. It's the little things, right?

Youth Sunday is this Sunday and I'm feeling a bit stressed in hopes that it comes together alright. The one thing I know is that it always does. . .but somehow that doesn't make the stress any less. . .

Have a good one!

Sunshine

2006-04-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

Is it terrible that all I want to do is take a nap in my bed when it's gorgeous outside? Usually on such a day, I'd want to be outside taking a nap or reading or something. But no, I have no real desire on this day to be outside. All I really want to do is sleep. . .inside.

I'm seeing and hearing about babies a lot lately. It's one of those times when it seems like everyone is having a baby. I spent time with baby Elisia the other day, which was so fun. And next Friday, I'm visiting Tamber and her baby Bethany. This could be interesting for the ol' maternal instinct. . .funny how I seem to have spurts of "I want a baby!" and then, sometimes immediately following, spurts of "I am in no way ready for a baby!"

I'm finding that I think like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City a lot. I was talking to Lizzie the other day and we wondered about crushes. And in my head was Carrie Bradshaw's voice asking the question that Liz and I were pondering, "Do we sometimes force attraction to someone simply because we long to have an object of our affection?" And there are other questions I've thought about this weekend after conversations with friends: "Does a person's past relationship behavior dictate how he or she will act in every future relationship? Do we ever move past our past?" and "What does it take to truly and completely get over someone?"

Anyway. I could have a whole blog dedicated to the analysis of relationships. Many of you know that I'd love that. Except I kinda have other things that take up my time right now. . .too bad.

Texas Meets the Mayor

2006-04-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well this weekend was full of fun, I tell you. Full of fun. The Mayor (or, as I affectionately call him, "Rob") visited for two days and I doubt you'll be surprised when I say that I laughed a lot. We both did. Trish and Rich came up, Lanette had lunch with us, Becky hung out for a while. . .it was a grand old time. If only the Good Capn, Huw, and Leslie had been around, I think we would've felt complete. :)

Here are some pictures from our adventures at the Texas Capitol:

The Guy pulled a knife on me at the gift shop! (doesn't he look scary?) I was a bit freaked out, but. . .

. . .we made nice for this photo in front of the Capitol. Notice Rob's new bolo tie that he bought (and wore pretty much all day). If I didn't know any better, I might think he enjoyed his new bolo more than he enjoyed visiting The Girl. But luckily I do know better. ;)

Simon's now a true Texas cat. Leave it to a guy from North Carolina to show him how to be a true Texan.

This is for Lee-lee. She hung out with us all weekend and we had fun. So of course I had to post the picture she loves the most.

A long-awaited weekend is now over. Back to everyday life tomorrow! *sigh* Oh, well. It was well worth the wait. And I'm sure the next six weeks will fly by. Part of me wants to slow them down, while the other part of me can't see them go fast enough. . .

2006-04-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Wow! I want a rich boyfriend, too!*

I'm hungry today. I actually think I've managed to make myself tired of Thundercloud. Crazy, I know. But I eat there at least once a week. And today I went with Leah (which has become a sort of tradition, if you will) and I didn't want anything. Now part of that probably had to do with the fact that my stomach was gurgly this morning and I didn't feel that hungry. BUT, now that I am hungry and want food, I'm not dying for a Thundercloud sub. And I usually can eat one any time. I guess too much of a good thing is still too much. Oh, well. I'm sure I'll be back there next week. Or even tomorrow, knowing me. :)

I'm starting to think about cleaning out my office. And I've decided that I don't like thinking about it. Youth ministers' offices tend to become the collection area for all sorts of random things. I have a sleeping bag rolled up in the corner, a saw from last year's mission trip, an old computer monitor, bags of bandanas, boxes of t-shirts, you name it. I'm sometimes afraid I'm going to be the one responsible for Merle's death. He's 80-something years old and every time he comes in here to chat, I wince when he almost trips over the boxes as he makes his way to sit down across from my desk. (Seems like I've mentioned this before--sorry if I'm repeating myself.) Anyway, it's going to be hard work. And I don't know if I've given myself enough time for it all. My last Sunday here is June 4th, then I'm moving that week--like June 6th. So maybe I should start. . .now.

Oh, but wait. It's spring. Which means there are graduation gifts to get, high school musicals I must attend, confirmation classes to teach, end-of-the-year youth group parties to plan for. . .can a girl ever get it all done? *dramatic sigh*

Love to all!

----
*Not really. I'm perfectly happy with The Guy. And just in case you didn't know, he's gonna win the lottery some day.

Well, Hoppity Hip!

2006-04-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is a phrase exclaimed this morning at church by our lovely secretary, Lisa--she also says "Jeez o' Pete" (sp?), "Mercy Dell" (dell is pronounced 'dale'), and "Lordy May" quite frequently. I'm going to miss that gal and her little sayings. . .

So, it's Easter weekend and I'm all alone. (ha ha I'm not upset about it, I just thought I'd sound pitiful for a second.) I've actually been looking forward to this weekend for a while--it's the one weekend I haven't had anything planned and I've been able to do a whole heck of a lot, which is awesome. Here's a rundown of what I've been up to this week:

*Met with my spiritual director for the second-to-last time before I move; as usual, I left with some enlightening ideas about myself and the ways in which God is working in my life. I find that, while I claim to be all inclusive and open, I have a tendency to act quite the opposite--and usually with the ones I love the most--so that's not good. There are things to work on!

*Went to church for Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter. We remember the most significant events of the Christian church this week, and I always come away with something new. This year, I spoke at the early service about Easter and I talked about our resurrection stories--I think we all have one or more. Someone told me recently that my parents' divorce is a huge part of my resurrection story. God raised up our family and gave new life to something that was broken. While I certainly know that there were painful parts of that time in my life, I can definitely say that my siblings and I came through that experience with stronger relationships both with each other and with our parents. The result is one family--a bit scarred, but very strong. Thank You for showing us the power of resurrection in our lives. It doesn't just stop with Jesus--it continues in our world today. Things aren't always what they seem. . .

*Went shopping. Probably bought too much. But whatev.

*Talked to and saw some old friends. Leslie and I had a fun conversation (the secret's out!) and Carmack and I caught up, too. I went to Bulverde and hung out with Miriam and Scott, which was GREAT because I hadn't seen them in forever. I also saw Marcy and Johnny Boy at church, which was fabulous.

*Got mad and made mad (involving the same person over a span of two days! Goodness.) I've thought about it, though, and I've come to the conclusion that we get the maddest at those we love the most. This may sound silly, but I used to get kinda jealous of my couple friends who fought--you gotta have passion to get mad at someone. . .and if they don't make you mad every once in a while, then maybe the passion's not really there. That's just my two cents--I'm sure it's not factual. But I, for one, think fighting is healthy. Argue with me if you want. But I stand by it. (Plus, isn't making up sweet? And I'm not just talking about, you know, that kind of making up. . .you know what I mean. . .:)

I'm gonna do some cleaning, then hang out with Beckycita a bit this evening. The Mayor's comin' into town next weekend (look out, Texas!), so watch for more updates as exciting events unfold. . .

Happy Easter to all!

I cannot live,
I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me.
~Angels & Airwaves