Thursday, August 03, 2006

Listen Up, Boys

I have a beautiful, funny, smart, friendly, outgoing, beautiful, flirty, fun, exciting, and (for the third time) beautiful friend who has been on my mind and heart lately in regards to her recent personal life situations. And I'm sure she won't mind me blogging about it. ;) You see, several guys in the past year have flirted with her, told her they liked her, even hinted at starting a relationship with her. But they never follow through. They're too scared to tell her the truth--which is, sadly and for reasons unbeknownst maybe even to them, that they don't want to be in a relationship with her. . .at least, not now. Ouch.

One of my favorite books, He's Just Not That Into You, helped me finally make some sense out of weird male behavior that I had experienced, and also has helped me look past the stupid excuses that most guys make to girls. I have a few things I'd like to share with you guys out there, and please make note of them so you won't break a girl's heart.
(By the way, I know that most of you guys don't mean to hurt girls--you're not intentional about it--but regardless, a girl's emotions often get involved way more than you would ever imagine. . .so even if you don't mean to hurt her, you still probably are doing so. In order to avoid this as best you can, please read on):

* If you have a crush on a girl, it's fine to tell her. It's sweet, really. But know that if you tell her this, she's already beginning to think that something will follow that admission (e.g., a date, the beginning of a relationship). If you don't know for a fact--if you're not 100% sure-- that a relationship with her is what you want, then don't mention anything romantic to her. Just don't. Leave her be. There's someone better for her out there. . .someone who IS 100% sure that he wants to date her and can't wait to do so once you get out of the way.

* If you tell a girl you're going to call her, do it. If you know you're not going to call her, don't tell her you will call her. That way, she can avoid wasting time and tears on you and move on to find the man of her dreams who will call her. . .and better yet, can't wait to talk to her. It's so simple, guys. And yet you still fail to learn this simple rule.

* If you're currently in a relationship in which you're just "passing time until something better comes along," get the hell out of it. Let the girl go so she can find someone better for her. . .someone who would never use her as a substitute until something better comes along. If you're unsure about a girl for a long period of time, then you're probably not into her. Don't wait until you're sure about it--if there's one thought of uncertainty, then you're probably not sure.* Let her be happy with someone who's confident about how he feels for her.

* It pretty much all boils down to this: Cut the crap, guys. It's fun for us to flirt and attract your attention and all. . .but for most of us girls, we always want something more. There's a need deep down inside of us that craves what can only happen in a relationship--connection, consistency, etc. Even if we say that we don't want a relationship, I personally believe that all girls (and guys, too, for that matter) wouldn't pass up the opportunity for one if they found someone whom they really wanted to be with. So unless you really want to be with us, don't play games. Don't send us mixed signals. Don't be flirty, but then tell us that your job is really demanding, thus leaving you no time for a relationship, blah blah blah. You will avoid some uncomfortable talks with girls if you just let them be. Because eventually they're going to ask, "So. . .what's up with us?" and you will hang your head and think, "Crap. What the hell have I gotten myself into?" It can all be avoided if you follow my simple guidelines.

Guys, we really do like flirting with (most of) you and we really don't think that (most of) you are jerks. . .but we do think you could use some help relating to us. I am fully aware that girls are guilty of committing the same atrocities that I warn you not to, so I maintain that I am not "guy-bashing" here. However, since I am a girl, and have had many a conversation with girlfriends about guys (and have experienced my share of lameness from guys), I write from a girls' perspective. Forgive me. :)

Oh, and to my single friends (namely, my dear B): There are amazing guys out there who will stop at nothing to be with you. My skepticism and bitterness from failed dates and relationships in the past has been slowly chipped away by someone who has given me the things that I'd practically given up on. Though I think us girls might always carry some of the pain of broken relationships from our past, I have come to believe that one's faith in love can be renewed. You will be loved. (cue: "She Will be Loved" by Maroon 5 )

Ladies, if you think of anything to add to the "guidelines," feel free to contribute!

Lots of love to ALL my readers, male and female. . .

*I don't think a relationship is doomed if one or both parties are unsure about it at some point. In fact, I think it's bound to happen--and maybe even should happen. It's healthy to be critical about what you have versus what you want, etc. But when the nagging feeling of uncertainty lasts longer than it needs to (and only you can be the judge of how long that is for you), then it's time to move on.


Blogger Becky said...

First things first...I love you Lauren and it's about time someone wrote about this.

I have a few additions to your guidelines:

1. Guys: Don't ask the girl to "convince" you that being with her is the right choice. You need to make that decision on your own. You should have to ask for reasons of why being with her IS a good idea. If you need to be convinced, then you obviously aren't that interested.

2. Don't tell a girl how you feel when you've been drinking. If a conversation starts off with..."I know I've been drinking, I'm just more confident after I get a few drinks in me." That is a HORRIBLE way to share your feelings with someone for the first time. One, because your drunk, and Two, because you don't remember saying anything the next day. Saying stuff like if I had to rate you on a scale, you're what would be my ten that I would compare every other girl to. If I was really your "10"...don't bullshit with me.

3. Don't tell someone that you really want to start a relationship with you BUT can't because you're worried the girl isn't going to sleep with you...that's just pathetic. You should NEVER base your assumptions on whether or not you will get "laid" in some point of the relationship. You have just lowered your chances with that person.

4. If your friends can't stand her...then it's not worth trying. Your friends can see things that you can't see in a person you are infatuated with. Plus you want your friends to get along with whoever you choose to be make sure your friends approve of this person.

That's it for now!

2:03 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:13 PM  
Blogger trishy said...

Good for you my friend, for putting your thoughts out there in a diplomatic and kind way. Guys really do have a lot to learn about us girls.

To your sweet friend for whom you wrote this post:

You're incredibly beautiful and so fun and adventurous and you crack me up. Here's the thing. There's a lot of crap out there to sift through before you find that one guy that is worthy of you. And somewhere he is sifting through all those girls who are just silly and shallow and boring, thinking...WHERE IS SHE? Just keep smiling and going about YOUR life and someday you'll bump into him and everything will just click. Trust me. You're not "old maid with cats" material. You're way too damn beautiful and wonderful for that. He's coming your way right now, he just probably has a few more miles to travel.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Tamber said...

I have a general guideline, but I think it is more of an addition to some of Lauren's guidelines:

Guys and Girls can't be "JUST FRIENDS." Just watch When Harry Met Sally. If you are in a relationship and want to date other people, know that you have to COMPLETELY let go of your other relationship. It isn't fair to the person who is committed. It should also let you know of how certain you are of the person with whom you are currently in a relationship. If the idea of never talking to that person again breaks your heart, then DON'T BREAK UP - STICK IT OUT!

Society has some myth out there that you have to have a lot of dating experience in order to find "the One." There isn't "The One" out there. For centuries arranged marriages worked; people were able to work through differences out of respect for their spouse, family, and religion. Should it be so hard today?

6:41 PM  

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